Encouraging Scars

1 Peter 5:10 (NLT) In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation.

I’m not sure how I missed posting last week…the week was over before I knew what happened. This post has been jumbling in my mind for two weeks now and I still don’t quite know how to articulate it. Even When It's Hard

This past weekend was uneasy, empowering and encouraging for me. I was able to travel to a place that used to mean fear, shame and anxiety. This is a literal place…not just an emotional one. There is a town that I have avoided for 18 years because of the emotional wounds that it brings to mind…and this weekend, out of spite, out of gumption, out of stubbornness – I decided that God has healed so many of my wounds that I was no longer going to let anything (i.e. fear, shame, anxiety) direct my feet but Him. I dug my heels in (with some tears and trembling before I left) and walked the path that led to redemption. My reward was new and fun memories to overshadow the dark memories. I Still Believe

There are places I have NOT visited and things I have NOT done because of the emotional bondage past abuse has had over me. I know there are many people out there like me that have allowed the past (or present) and it’s emotional wounds to dictate where they go and what they accomplish. Ghosts from their past…emotional and mental specters, hinder the work and life God has for them. On my drive this weekend, God spoke many things of peace, redemption and security IN HIM. One of the phrases that He spoke gave me great insight into the life He desires for me:  He said, “the same power that took the sting of death away and set the moon and stars where they should be is the same power within you and for you. It is MY power that will take the sting of past hurts and wounds and set your feet firmly on the path that leads to life not death.”  He was for me before, during and after the hurt of my past – He never left or intended for me to be a slave to the evil I endured. (Jeremiah 29:11) He always wanted me to seek Him and live the victory and freedom He suffered and died for on my behalf. All the suffering I have endured is nothing compared to what He endured for me. He alone has the power to give my feet strength to move when the fear tries to set me in concrete shoes…He makes my feet light so I can soar above and reveal His truth of how life was given and lived in the midst of this wrecked world. I can reveal my encouraging and strengthened scars to those around me to reveal the hope, encouragement and love that Christ has done in healing and closing the wounds they bring to mind. The scars will never leave – they may fade, but they are meant to remind me of the life and experiences that Christ has brought me through and strengthened me in. No More Hiding

Galatians 2:20 (NLT) My old self has been crucified with Christ.[a] It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

Covered and Equipped

Exodus 17:15 (NLT) Moses built an altar there and named it Yahweh-Nissi (which means “the LORD is my banner”).

Lately my emotions have been tugged between two of my everyday realities. I am feeling the pressure of being a shepherd and the longing for comfort and care of an orphan. An email from a friend put this into perspective for me…it connected these feelings and identities. “A shepherd and an orphan are among the many biblical characters with calm, assured dignity. They obtained their poise from God, not through their own efforts. When God’s got you, you don’t have to trust yourself or be concerned about what anyone else thinks.”

Biblically, I look to Moses as a person well acquainted with both identities as well. He was adopted and orphaned. His biological family had to give him up to save his life and his adopted family tried repeatedly to kill him when he was older. He shepherded animals in his exile and people in His submission to the life God had for him. Moses followed and walked intimately with the LORD in both his responsibility as a shepherd of God’s people and the longing for direction and care as the orphan he was.

The same day I received my friends' email mentioned above, I had prayed to God for strength and asked Holy Spirit to fulfill all my needs related to shepherding the beautiful sheep He has given me (both biological and spiritual sheep (children)) and comforting me in my aloneness and longing in wanting a parent to love and care for me in all the ways He has taught me to love and care for others.

Through many circumstances and experiences lately, I have been profoundly reminded of my “orphan” status. I have felt and grieved that no one (or least anyone biological) is “out there” looking out for me and wondering if “I’m o.k.” in a parental sort of way. I do not have a mother or father interested in me in a careful, loving way. You may feel the same way – even if your parents are alive…orphaned can be a mindset as well as a legal experience. (Psalm 27:10, NLT) I’m sure everyone is acquainted with a feeling of lonely hopelessness at times. Times when you want to hear a loving, guiding voice but don’t have or know who to call…who would understand? I can say the LORD always is available and always understands – and He is both of those things – but sometimes, in deep parts of a person, we (I) need “Jesus with skin on.” A “in-your-face” person who can be touched, heard and present in ways that only God can – He continues to show His grace and provision in these ways.

Exodus 33:14-18 (NLT) The LORD replied, “I will personally go with you, Moses, and I will give you rest—everything will be fine for you.” Then Moses said, “If you don’t personally go with us, don’t make us leave this place. How will anyone know that you look favorably on me—on me and on your people—if you don’t go with us? For your presence among us sets your people and me apart from all other people on the earth.” The LORD replied to Moses, “I will indeed do what you have asked, for I look favorably on you, and I know you by name.” Moses responded, “Then show me your glorious presence.” Show Me Your Glory  What follows this intimate conversation is one of the most spectacular and comforting passages of scripture. The LORD covers Moses with His strong and gentle hand in the cleft of a rock and passes by him – declaring who He is and how He loves his children. This is particularly comforting for someone who desires being held and loved by a parent. I have experienced this sense of comfort from God many times – He never fails to provide when I call Him.

God did not give Moses everything he wanted here on earth, but He always provided everything he needed. For example, Moses never got to experience the Promised Land but He experienced and saw the face and presence of His LORD…intimately, closely and profoundly everyday. He was cared for all the days of his life even into His death – the LORD buried him (Deuteronomy 34:6)!! His days were ordered and directed by the LORD and Moses always knew it – even through insecurity and trembling sometimes (he argued with God about being His prophet because of a speech impediment and was insecure about confronting Pharoah – the Book of Exodus recounts most of Moses’ life with God). Through the loving care He gave to Moses, He equipped him to care for and shepherd His people in miraculous and supernatural ways.

When the LORD is my banner and covers me and my needs (Exodus 17:15), I no longer am called anything but HIS. I know I am able to accomplish and have everything I need and desire in Him alone. Even now, my littlest one has run to me with tears in her eyes, saying "I want my mama..." and I am so glad I am called that name too and am here to comfort. My Eternal Identity because of Him

Ephesians 3:20 (NLT) Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.

1 Peter 5:7 (NLT) Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.

Wait...what?

Deuteronomy 28:20 (NIV) The LORD will send on you curses, confusion and rebuke in everything you put your hand to, until you are destroyed and come to sudden ruin because of the evil you have done in forsaking him.

This week in Heidi-world (actually for quite awhile) has been especially confusing. While I don’t think this is the venue to share what my confusion is regarding, I do think a conversation of how to follow when God’s voice seems so far away and muffled is warranted. How to stay the course during life’s confusing seasons/moments. I’m not suggesting a 10 step way to overcome confusion & doubt…I’m learning while I write, learning how to trust God even in the confusion/trial. Trust is a BIG hurdle in this thing called life. While it is true God is not a God of confusion (1 Corinthians 14:33), I do believe He allows freedom for His children to live the truths they have been equipped in and sometimes we stumble over His truth when the world throws it’s “truth” in our way…then, confusion happens. Do we trust God enough to follow His truths when they don’t match the worlds’? I am aware the truth of God will never match the worlds’ truth…just a way to open the doors and windows to my heart and see ways I’m mistaking lies for truth. My Need

The verse in Deuteronomy above is the second part of a dialogue the LORD had with His people…this is the “if you don’t follow and obey” part of the discussion (I highly recommend reading the whole chapter and put the verse  in context so you don’t confuse God as a wrathful, vengeful for no good reason kinda God – it is not His plan for destruction or pain…like any GOOD parent knows, you don’t discipline because you hate your children, you discipline because you love them and you would rather they not have any pain but the temporary pain from discipline out of love can prevent a lifetime of pain from hate).

Even just a brief browse of the bible for the word ‘confusion’ gives a clear reason for why it exists: confusion is meant to defeat enemies of God and His people. Please don’t hear me saying that if you are confused it’s because you are an “enemy of God and His people.” However, I propose for myself and because of the experiences I’ve had with confusion, that confusion does point to a disconnect with God in some way. It takes discernment (one of those “christiany” words which means the process of determining God's desire in a situation or for one's life) to allow Holy Spirit to seek “any wrong way” within me and show me the straight path (Psalm 139: 23, 24; Proverbs 4:11, 26, 21: 13). Sometimes that means not moving at all for awhile…staying confused as I “discern” the “truth” coming at me and whether it is from the world or from God. So, that’s where I am…confused and listening – trying to discern God’s voice among the others trying to tell me “truth” for the situation I’m experiencing. Pray my ears are open to His voice and closed to all others. As always, I will be praying for you in similar ways as we seek God for wisdom Everyday. My Current Reminder

Exodus 34:6 (NLT) The LORD passed in front of Moses, calling out, “Yahweh! The LORD! The God of compassion and mercy! I am slow to anger and filled with unfailing love and faithfulness.

Exodus 14:14 (NLT) The LORD himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.”

On The Inside

Romans 12:3 (NLT) Because of the privilege and authority God has given me, I give each of you this warning: Don’t think you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves, measuring yourselves by the faith God has given us.

 “I just want to get away from myself.” Have you ever thought that? I know I have…still do sometimes. I know people the other extreme too; they overly love and admire everything they are. While away last week, I heard this quote in a song, “Don’t compare the worst in them with the best in You.” – Laleh, singer. I did have to take a closer look at how I interact with people. I judge myself pretty harshly sometimes, and I know I judge others the same way…  I know I have judged others on their behavior/habits/sins/language…etc. Romans 3:23 is a good reminder that we all fall short of the Glory of God. Even the “best” in me is nothing compared to Jesus and His righteousness. The “worst” in me is no comparison to others either…I still have a “worst” and a “best” that is continually being shaped by God.  A Difficult Step

If I’m honest with myself, I would not know what to “get away” from. I know, for the most part, which aspects of myself are God-centered and simply who God has made me to be (they are the parts that I wish I could get away from sometimes, the parts that are odd to the world around me but suit me and feel “natural.”)

On the inside, I’m learning who God is making me to be and I know who I am In Christ. I’m willing to be refined and rebuked to Godly change in those “worst” areas but I’m not willing to compromise the parts that are already completely His.

So, how and what do I get away from…
I wish I wasn’t so sensitive to others’ opinions
I wish I didn’t love and care so much for others who can’t reciprocate…either because they aren’t around anymore or because that’s not how God made them – they just don’t think of things the same way I do
I wish I could hide my feelings – no I don’t…I despise fake and dishonest above all else…I couldn’t be that way.

So – I’m stuck not being able to get away from myself because I’m not willing to actually change the things that make me different and show my humanness. I’m quirky, silly, contemplative and philosophical…I don’t make sense to anyone but me and God.

Jesus gave me a great example in how to be content with who God has made me. He knew who He was and whose He was (John 8:28, 29, 14:25-31). I won't be controlled by my worldly insecurities but I will choose to place myself upon the wings of God and soar like the eagles on the supernatural security of my God. Step Out On Faith Therefore, I will continue to think of others and care about them and for them as Holy Spirit leads – even if they are oblivious to me and/or my feelings. That is the example of Christ. He loved us while we were against Him. He showered us with grace and mercy while we rejected Him. He did the work God planned for Him and walked confidently close with God for His strength and encouragement…I continue to pray for the faith to do this as well. I will also pray for you to be able to walk confidently and do the good works God has prepared for you and through you (Ephesians 2:10 For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago).

Philippians 2:3 (NLT) Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves.